Coping with your emotions after the birth
Your baby is born and you are thrilled... and exhausted, emotional,
tense and nervous. The first few weeks after the birth can play havoc with your emotions, but
there are ways to cope
If you're not coping with a newborn, you're not alone. Babies can be hard work and your moods may swing between elation and despair. If your labour was extended and difficult, or you didn't have the birth you'd planned, then you may feel cheated or guilty and it could take you some time to deal with that.
You may also have to face broken nights and the subsequent tiredness, the constant demands of a new baby, and changes in your relationship with your partner, your parents and friends. If, on top of all that, comes conflicting advice from well-meaning visitors, you could find yourself worrying about whether
your baby's okay or if you're doing things right.
Many mums experience the 'baby blues' about three days after their baby is born. You may find yourself crying for no reason or snapping at people. Feelings of hopelessness may overwhelm you, or perhaps you'll feel guilty about spending hours watching your beautiful newborn when the house is a tip and dinner needs cooking. Don't worry - these responses are all normal and will pass as your hormones settle down.
Common problems and how to cope with them:
An unsupportive or bewildered partner
Lack of sleep
Physical discomfort
Lots of visitors
Unwanted advice
How to get support
Where to next?
An unsupportive or bewildered partner
- He may be afraid to help change, bathe or play with the baby in case he makes a mess of it and upsets you. Let him get involved as much as possible, but leave him to it and don't interfere. He may not do it the way you would, but he's finding his own way.
- Your partner may feel resentful of all the attention your newborn is getting, so remember to ask him how his day has been too.
- Keep the lines of communication open - try to talk about things other than the baby and concentrate on you as a couple. Ask family or friends to babysit - even popping out for an hour will give you a break and bring you closer together.
- Make a decision to sleep when the baby sleeps, ignoring any chores or phone calls.
- If your baby is awake a lot at night, try expressing some milk (which you can also freeze) so that your partner can give the occasional bottle, enabling you to sleep for longer.
- If broken nights continue, ask family or friends to help look after the baby while you catch up on sleep. Some people decide in advance to employ a maternity nanny who will get up in the night and help, but they're trained professionals so this service doesn't come cheap. For more information on maternity nannies, go to Where to next.
- If you needed stitches after the birth, the pain can make you tense. Ways to ease the discomfort include: bathe stitches regularly - a couple of drops of tea tree essential oil or lavender essential oil in tepid water can help; frequently change your maternity pads; wear comfortable cotton knickers and, if able, try to keep moving as this will help to boost circulation and reduce swelling. Sitting on a rubber ring (available from Boots) or rolling a towel into a horseshoe shape to prevent pressure on your stitches may also help. To protect stitches after a Caesarean, put a pillow on your lap to help support your baby.
- Sore or cracked nipples or problems with breastfeeding can be not only painful, but also demoralising. Sore nipples can be soothed by breast milk smoothed over the nipple area and left to dry, or try calendula cream or aloe vera gel. For more information, go to our breastfeeding section
- Sometimes visitors can be overwhelming. Try to space out visits and keep them short. People will understand if you explain that you're tired.
- If your visitors don't offer to help, ask! Most people will be thrilled to feel 'needed' and will make you a cup of tea or do some ironing.
- Just when you've closed your eyes, the doorbell rings... Use a 'mother and baby resting' notice on your front door so you're not disturbed in the middle of a much-needed nap.
- Or the phone rings... let the answering machine pick up the message and call people back later.
- Well-meaning friends and family tend to give plenty of (often outdated) advice. It might make you want to scream, but avoid a row by thanking them for their help.
- Say that you'll consider advice - even if you have no intention of doing so - but that you will try the way your midwife suggested first.
- The baby blues tend to last for a few days, but if you're feeling low for more than a couple of weeks talk to your GP or health visitor.
- Talk to friends about how you're feeling, especially if they already have children - they'll be sympathetic and may offer useful advice about how to cope.
- Try to meet other new mums, for example at coffee groups - it always helps to talk to others who are in the same position and experiencing similar feelings.
By Pamela Brooks
- Did you find it emotionally hard to cope in the first few weeks of motherhood? Join our discussion group
- Do you think you may have postnatal depression?
- Need help feeding your baby? Check our healthy eating advice
- Find further information about your newborn
- Association for Postnatal Illness 020 7386 0868, www.apni.or
- Nannies Incorporated and INA (International Nanny and Au-pair Agency) both offer a maternity nurse service
- Meet-A-Mum-Association 020 8771 5595, www.mama.org.uk
- Cry-sis helpline (Serene) 020 7404 5011 (8am-11pm)
- National Childbirth Trust (NCT) 020 8992 8637, www.nct-online.org
