Going solo this ChristmasHow to have a great Christmas if you are a single or divorced parent. While for most people they offer relaxation and reprieve from the daily grind, for single and divorced parents, the Christmas holidays can be an anxious time with conflicts, financial worries and custody concerns dominating. It doesn't have to be like that though. With a bit of forward planning and the right attitude, Christmas can prove to be a joyous time-out, a chance to reconnect with your children and their lives.
The Gift horseMy friend Rachel was fuming. "I told Kevin I was going to buy Luke a bike and what does he go and do? Buy the bloody bike of course! It was my special thing and of course his was twice the price and ten times more impressive than mine!" In Rachel's case, she'd informed Kevin of her intention and is convinced he did it to spite her; but a lack of communication between estranged parents often causes arguments at this time of the year. It's vital to speak to your ex in advance, send a note, phone or email, find out what they intend giving and perhaps give some feedback on what the children actually need. That way you won't double up and hopefully the children will get something suitable. Suggest a price limit and agree to both stick with it. Non-custodial fathers sometimes feel as if they need to make up the lack of contact with expensive gifts, but the giving of their time and attention on this occasion is more important. If you're a single parent and money is tight, put a little away each way from the beginning of the year which will help spread the cost; however, remember you shouldn't have to scrimp and sacrifice to buy your children the latest, the most expensive gifts. Worst of all is getting into serious debt for something that is after all a religious holiday. Be upfront with your children. Make a budget, tell them what it is and ask them for suggestion on what they would like to receive. The spirit of Christmas tends to get a bit overwhelmed by the getting rather than the giving as parents we should make our children realise how fortunate they are compared to other children in the world who have nothing (often not even parents). Scale down and simplify. Children might enjoy making their own Christmas decorations with you. Matchboxes wrapped in Christmas paper with bows make sweet miniature presents to hang on the tree as does gingerbread men. The meal doesn't have to be over the top either…a simple roast, some potatoes, parsnip, Brussels sprouts. a bit of Christmas pudding and ice cream. Don't buy into the commercialism of Christmas; make it what you want it to be. It's my turn!Split custody may mean that you don't end up spending the entire holiday with your children. Accept this and either take turns annually having them for the actual 'day' or divide the day up itself. Spending time with the other parent can also include seeing the other 'grandparents' too, which is often a great relief. My friend Mel and her ex alternate between having the children for lunch and dinner. This year, she and the girls open their presents in the morning, then she'll drop them at her exes where they'll have a traditional lunch cooked by his mother. In the afternoon, they're dropped back where everyone has a long lazy afternoon nap, then Mel and the children host a Christmas cocktail party in the evening. Next year Tom will have them in the evening while she does the traditional Christmas lunch. While theirs is a 'civil' relationship, with her ex even invited in for a Christmas cocktail, many relationships are not and there seems to be no point in trying to force the issue by spending time with the ex if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Christmas should be a time to spend with people you love. Ultimately, too it is not spending THE DAY with the children that count but spending time with them over the holiday and making it special. If you aren't going to have the children at all over Christmas, then have a special 'pre-Christmas' Christmas with gifts and all the trimmings. If your children are with their other parent for the holidays, make sure you don't send them off with arguments ringing in their ears. They shouldn't be made to feel guilty or conflicted. Encourage them to enjoy themselves and tell them you'll be looking forward to hearing everything when they get back. Try and arrange to spend as much time with family or friends so you don't miss them too much! New traditionsChristmas is about tradition, but it's entirely possible to make new ones. Christmas doesn't have to only be about family, for example. Every Christmas Eve my single mother girlfriends and I get together for a party at someone's house. It's become our special tradition, complete with rowdy kids, too much champagne and a lot of laughs. The kids eat and play and watch a special Christmas video then our secret Santa presents are given out. Everyone has a fantastic time and look forward every year to our 'faux-family' Christmas Eve. My friend Cassie just forgoes the whole traditional Christmas and takes her kids away on a last minute package deal. They go to somewhere exotic and learn how other cultures celebrate. There are no hard and fast rules- traditions become traditions because we adopt them. Love yourself tooIt's easy to forget yourself in the frenzy of giving, but buy yourself a special gift- spend the money you would have on the ex when you were together! Sleep in as much as you can, spend quality time with your children, decorate, bake together, have afternoon naps, meet girlfriends for a drink, go for long walks in the cold or play in the snow. The traditional Christmas, like the 'traditional family' is whatever you choose it to be! by Natascha Mirosch Forces at XmasYou don't have to be divorced or single to be facing Christmas on your own. If your husband or wife is in the Forces chances are they will not be able to spend the festive season at home if they have been deployed abroad. This can be difficult for to deal with since the family is at the heart of Christmas. However, there still are ways to make the holiday season special for everyone. Have Xmas early! Take up offers of help Babyworld has a special Forces - UK and abroad discussion forum where you can meet parents who know exactly what it is like to be 'alone' over the festive season. Where to next?
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