 The
Santa myth
"The Santa myth is one of the most effective means ever devised
for intimidating children, eroding their self-esteem, twisting their behaviour,
warping their values, and slowing their development of critical thinking
skills," says Tom Flynn, an American writer. While most of us wouldn't
go as far as to denounce the jolly old man in the red suit so harshly,
does Flynn have a point about the myth we happily perpetuate?
Is this merely an acceptable form of lying?
As responsible parents, we are always encouraging our children to be truthful. In the toddler years, fantasy and reality often become muddled, as my daughter often delightfully proves. "Daddy, stop putting me in the dishwasher!" she scolds and, while we laugh at this bizarre concept, we are slightly concerned that she will announce this at nursery, in front of her key workers. Toddlers don't really lie to be deceitful at this age since they spend much of their time in a suspended world of belief.
However, as children get older, and realise that a little porky pie here and there gets them out of a pickle or satisfyingly lands another irritating playmate in trouble, their take on the truth becomes more … exaggerated. At this point, we would normally step in and tell them that it's not good to fabricate stories (politicians would do well to have a nagging mother on their doorsteps once more) and encourage them not to be economical with the truth.
Why, then, do we help our children buy into the hype that surrounds Christmas?
They enter the world knowing not a thing about Father Christmas, reindeer
and little elves working non-EU-approved hours in the run-up to the 25
December, yet we cannot contain our impatience and excitement for them
to be old enough to appreciate Christmas Day. As soon as their language
skills become more competent, we read them stories about Santa, show them
Christmas DVDs and videos and dress them up either as Father Christmas
or as a reindeer (or even an Xmas pudding!) to make them understand why
this time of year is so special. Are we wrong, as Tom Flynn asserts -
to be deceiving our children so?
Debbie Curve, a parent coach believes that "As parents we often
tell our children that they should not lie and tell the truth although
as adults we often lie and our children know this. From early on in their
lives children learn the difference between blatant dishonesty "I
did not hit my sister" - when you know they did - to the social duplicity
of you telling Aunt Mary how pleased you are to see her when you moaned
about the visit all the way in the car.
When we think about honesty it is important to explain to our children
the reasons for being honest in each situation rather than a blanket "You
must always tell the truth". In this way a child can gradually develop
their own conscience and inner voice to help regulate their behaviour.
In order to teach children truthfulness it is essential to show them that
we value honesty - many children lean to lie because they know that to
tell the truth will cause them problems.
So in terms of Father Christmas it has to be see in this much broader
context. Some families feel that the "lie" about Father Christmas
is all part of the magic and sparkle of Christmas and others are not so
bothered. I think that as long as you are looking at the bigger issues
about truth and honesty the choice is up to you."
The difference between truth and fantasy
When we posted a message about this on our Discuss, Debate and Deliberate forum, the unanimous feeling was that there was a vast difference between encouraging a child to believe in a mythical figure and lying, as babyworld member Samantha explains.
"I think fantasy is an important part of childhood: there is a difference between this and lying. If my son told me about the monster in the garden then I would be interested to hear where his imagination had taken him. If he came in to say that a friend had stolen something and they hadn't then I would frown upon it and explain why he shouldn't make these things up. Perhaps the difference is subtle but the moral is very different and I would hope that, with my guidance, he will understand this."
The importance of allowing children to enter into fantasy was one that received great support on the board and was summed up nicely by Sandra. "There's plenty of time for children to be ruled by truth and facts; while they're children they should be allowed as much magic and fantasy as they like."
Some people logically went on to raise the issue that it's not just Santa we 'lie' about - what about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. Member Tass went even further - to challenge our belief in God with no solid proof of His existence - as a result of her local vicar upsetting her two sons by saying Santa did not exist.
"I went mad! I had two kids; the 6-year-old came back telling his little brother (4) that Father Christmas was not real. They asked me, in tears, and my response was, when the vicar could prove to me that God was real, I would prove that Santa was real… I believe bible stories teach the children (in general) good morals but at the end of the day what proof do we have of them? So is that lying too?"
Using Santa as a threat to get the kids behaving better
If we haven't yet used the threat on our kids, we probably heard it said many times when we were young - that naughty children don't get presents from Father Christmas. With all the excitement surrounding Christmas, it's a pretty cunning way to get your child to stop whingeing about having to do their chores or to stop having massive tantrums every time they can't get their own way. Seasonal blackmail is an interesting concept but is it acceptable? Isn't it a little cruel to scare them so much into obeying? And, more to the point, isn't it just lazy parenting - do this or Father Christmas will punish you…?
Most people thought whatever gets the results you need is fine by them! Paula looks forward to this time of year to use this threat on her kids. "Nearer the time, you can start the threat of 'naughty boys and girls get bugger all from Santa - so BEHAVE!' which, if it works, is a bonus in itself!", while Sandra also could not find any moral problem with this at all, as long as it's not an empty threat. "As for threatening children with Santa not coming - so long as you're prepared to carry out the threat I see nothing wrong with it!"
"Don't worry, mummy, Santa will give it to me"
While the Santa myth creates much fun and merriment, it can also bring a few problems. What happens if your child says that they don't want anything for Christmas… bar a pony? That she will look after the pony, feed it, water it, brush it, etc if she can have one? As parents with small back gardens and limited housekeeping, such a continuously expensive present would not be an option. We might say, "Sorry, darling, but we can't have a pony here, we can't afford it." She might eagerly reply, "That's OK mummy - Father Christmas can bring me one."
At this point, when you know that ain't going to happen, do you nip this myth in the bud so you don't spend years of your life dealing with disappointed children who didn't get what they wanted from Santa? Or do you have to create an even more elaborate web of lies to get out of the situation?
Babyworld member Natasha shares her family's solution, "My brothers were always told that mum, dad, aunts, big sister etc buy the prezzies and send 'em off to Lapland for Santa to deliver! We told them that Santa's elves wrap them up ready for Santa's sleigh! That way they know there are limits but it doesn't take the fantasy away."
Stephanie has a similar answer to this problem. "My girls only get stocking presents from Father Christmas and all the rest are from family. Rachael asks Father Christmas for one thing usually and she knows that he tells us, so then she possibly gets it. We will do the same with Abi too, although she is more excited about her birthday (2 weeks after Christmas), than the day itself!"
When the dreaded questions start
Because the Santa myth (or lie or whatever you prefer to call it) is a nice one where your children reap rewards, when reality finally sinks in, they won't be berating you for stringing them along all these years. And, as we have fun perpetuating the belief for as long as possible, the day will come when children will start to question how Santa can simultaneously be in three different department stores seeing children, especially when he should be hard at work at the North Pole seeing to their presents!
Some child experts say that when the questions start, normally around ages 7-10, this is the cue to let them down gently: to say that although there is no Father Christmas, the spirit of giving and celebration that he embodies is real enough. If the doubts have already started creeping in then it's sometimes easiest to go with the flow. For some babyworld members, including Allyson, this is how they remembered it happening to them. "I personally started to question his existence gradually so it wasn't a shock to find out Santa wasn't real and I think it would be a great shame for the PC Brigade to keep Santa away from children at Christmas."
However, matters can be more tricky when you have several children,
of varying ages, as Anna points out. "Lily will be 9 in February and has
started asking if Father Christmas really is real because some of her
friends say he isn't. I convinced her he is because not only is it fun
and magical to believe in things like that, I don't want her telling Harry
he isn't real either." While you have younger kids in the family you may
have to attempt some more creative storytelling for a little longer!
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